I offer the following words to you like a painter offers a portrait, as a creative work to be enjoyed. What resonates with you, I offer you to take with you, what does not, I invite you to leave behind, and what may inspire you, I eagerly await whatever creative wisdom sits within you.
Newsletter Featured Articles Intention: A New Alternative to the New Year’s Resolution Introducing the Resolution
It’s a common story that has become the subject of jokes and cynical commentary, yet it remains a story many of us continue to play out, despite a generally confident knowing of the end results: the New Year’s Resolution.
The list of common New Year’s Resolutions can be recited by just about anyone; more exercise, better diet, give up coffee or cigarettes or some other “unbecoming” habit, earn more $, find a partner, start a meditation practice, be an all around better person. And, I have observed a great many people who remember their resolutions for no more than a couple of weeks, which then becomes wonderful fodder for self-deprecation, guilt or “giving up” entirely, until next year, of course.
So, despite knowing this strong tendency not to work, many of us continue to make resolutions, in the hopes that this time will be different. Oftentimes, we resolve, once a year, every year, the same resolution, and continue to feel badly about ourselves for not fulfilling them. It appears that, the mere act of making resolutions itself is fulfilling some need, or we would not continue to try, and then try harder and then, after that doesn’t work, try even harder.
But what if it were the trying itself that was leading to the challenge in the first place?
Introducing the Intention
I would like to introduce to you another option that gets met our need to continuously expand into better and better feeling places and into new experiences of our lives and our potential. It is a method that does not include any trying at all, as a matter of fact, the more you try, the less it works. Welcome to the power of setting Intention.
What is an intention? Many people actually relate to intention just like a resolution, as if it is a plan meant to be fulfilled, a note on a checklist to be completed and checked off. No matter what word you use, if it is a plan you are expecting to stick to exactly as promised, that is a resolution.
I would like to offer to you to think of an intention more as an Invitation. Just like when you send out an invitation to a friend to go to lunch with you, once you do your work of sending out the invitation, you are simply opening to receiving your answer. The friend may be available or not, but that is up to your friend. If you don’t receive the answer you were expecting, you have a couple of options to choose from. You can stay open to unexpected answers (perhaps your friend mentioned to her friend your invitation, and then you get a phone call from that person, or perhaps when she says no, you realize you actually prefer to go alone, and then strike up a wonderful conversation with an inspiring stranger). Secondly, the answer you receive may lead you to reform or refine your invitation or to whom you direct it. In the end, your only job is to do the inviting and then be willing to receive the answer. No trying necessary, simply invite, receive, refine, invite, receive, refine….
And so it goes with intention. An intention is an invitation to the energies of your life within and around you, whatever force it is that organizes what you feel like doing moment to moment and what comes into your path. In my lingo, I usually refer to that force as “the Universe”, but you can refer to it as chance, Spirit, God, self and many other names, whatever resonates for you. So, with an Intention, there is no possibility of failure, just refinement, learning and expecting the unexpected.
A Quick Preview of the Difference between Resolution and Intention
A Resolutions might sound like:
“I resolve to do or be “x”.”
An Intention might sound like:
“I invite “x” into my life in a way that feels easeful and natural. I am ready to move in the direction of doing or becoming “x”.”
A Resolution might look like:
A shot of energy in the direction of your promised action, and then a slow fading away, often into a sense of failure or oblivion.
An Intention might look like:
Enjoying the process of imagining and doing whatever is the next most easeful step in your life, whether or not it is directly related to the destination you have intended. Enjoying wherever it is that you are at, and constantly refining the clarity of your intention. Following intuitive guidance, feeling your feelings fully along the way, and continuously watching for limiting beliefs holding you back, and clearing them as they rise up.
It Takes Time to Make things Happen Quickly-A Story to Understand the Act of Setting Intention
So, lets back up a bit to understand why “resolutions” so often do not work, or at best, are often short-lived in their success. When we pick that goal, we are choosing a strategy that we think can make us feel better. I offer to you a picture. Imagine that this goal or strategy that you, as a resolution-maker choose (quitting smoking, relaxing more etc…), is like a beautiful mountaintop in the distance. As you stand in the valley, you take in the beauty of that mountain, and imagine how clear the air must be up there, how incredible the perspective. You begin to long to feel that cool thin air and bask in the glorious expanse of the mountain view, so you set your sights on being at the top of that mountain, knowing that, if you are going to have such an experience, the mountaintop is probably where you need to be. Or, perhaps it is not a mountain top, perhaps there is a beautiful pond you see in the distance. Whatever it is you see, the important factor is that, you long for it. And so, with the clarity in hand that that mountaintop or pond is where you long to be, you close your eyes, bend your knees and jump!
Woohoo! Here we go!
With a great shock and shudder to your system, you unpleasantly tumble to the ground, not two feet from your original leaping point. At this point you decide that if only you had tried harder, or if you were a better jumper, you would be at that mountaintop or be swimming in that pond. When you’ve berated yourself enough to solidify your incapacity, you finally “give up”, focusing not on the two feet forward that you made, but on the miles ahead that you were not able to cover in a single leap. So, you resign to a life in the valley or the distant woods, which, if you weren’t so dead set on that mountaintop or pond, you would find is quite stunning in itself, even though it may not offer the same benefits as your goal.
So, when you make a resolution, it is like vowing to be a better jumper, to try a bit harder and really make that jump this time. An intention is to set your direction towards where you want to be, and then, one foot in front of the other, to enjoy the hike, and make sure you have everything you need along the way. No doubt, that hike will take time, depending on how far in the distance you have chosen your destination, but, if you acknowledge the distance, and the landscape in between here and there, you can plan your trip accordingly, so there need not be any suffering along the way. There may and most likely will be feelings you encounter throughout the journey, perhaps frustration, impatience, boredom, doubt and so forth may cross your way as you face the various hills and valleys, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress, that is the spiritual workout that is the journey itself.
And now, since you’ve allowed yourself to take your time, and enjoy your hike as best you can, by the time you get but a few feet from that goal, you’ll notice that there is no effort involved in taking the final steps to be there, it is just one more small next step! Meanwhile, if you spent that entire time at your starting point, trying over and over to jump to the top of the mountain, it doesn’t matter how long you have been “trying”, you will still be in the same spot. If you decided to go for the hike, it may have taken you a couple of weeks, months or even years, but you well enjoyed the hike along the way, and you will have made it with one simple easy step at the end!
So, any goal you set, where you have to try in order to get there, you now know, is at least more than a couple steps away from where you actually are. The work is, to learn where you are, and figure out how to know what steps are right in front of you that you can easily take, while at the same time making progress in the direction of your ultimate goal.
Staying on “the Path”
Let’s back up a bit once again. Perhaps to get to even the base of the mountain, you need to walk through a thick forest, and once you step into it, you can’t even see the mountain anymore…so you think you must not be “getting anywhere”. With intention, you don’t need to see your end product to know you are “getting there”. Intention points you in the right direction, and then simply following one foot in front of the other (the step that feels most accessible to your energy in the moment), trusting your orientation, is all you need to do to make your way.
And the best bonus of all is, you can finally rest into the joy of being exactly where you are. Maybe you are trying to eat differently so you set an intention to move in the direction of being in a place where it feels easy to eat in your ideal healthful way. You invite that in the Universe, and then follow your guidance. Perhaps your guidance leads you to places where you are eating foods that you would consider “unhealthy”. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t also moving towards a better feeling place in your life. Perhaps what is feeling easy at the time is to focus on making a change in your work situation, and that is taking all of your energy. It doesn’t appear that you are working on moving towards a healthier diet, as a matter of fact, with all the transition, its getting “worse”. However, lets say, because you trusted your intention, and allowed yourself to invest fully in your transition with your work while giving a little slack to your eating, you finally find that ideal job that inspires you and gives you plenty of time to cook and enjoy leisurely meals…and without even noticing, one day you realize, wow, I eat in a way that feels healthy to me everyday, and I don’t even think about it! It just comes naturally.
If you let those woods get you down and convince you that you are getting nowhere…you will resign to the woods, and never make it to the other side. If you can gather enough faith in the power of intention and in the wisdom of your own guidance, going forward always to the next most accessible step, you will make it there.
In such a visualized image, it becomes clear to any one of us, that it takes much more than one concerted leap to get to that mountaintop. A resolution is like trying to jump there. An intention is beginning to walk there, one step at a time, and enjoying the hike, taking in the scenery along the way. Realizing that, although the mountaintop is a symbol of the many steps of your hike, the hike itself is just as much of the fun!
So, with an intention, it is not “getting there” that marks your success, but how good you feel imagining your intention. The point of getting to the mountaintop in the first place, is to feel good. If you can find an intention that feels good, even to imagine, well then, you’re already there.
One Final Thought
So, I actually had a New Year’s resolution myself…to get this article out by New Years! But luckily, just when I noticed the resolving energy getting ready to push, pressure and judge, I switched to Intending that I would move into a place where it felt easy to offer helpful words to others, if that was indeed for the highest and best good of my path and those around me. I invited feeling good about both the process and the product and that it would come out at the right time. So, thanks to that switch, I was able to enjoy all the moments of “not getting it done” as much as I did putting these words together as an offering to you! And if it was a resolution, when January 1st came and went, I would have given up on it altogether, assuming that I had already failed to reach my goal…but thanks to the intention, only after finishing writing this, did I realize, what a better time to read this article than a couple weeks after New Years, exactly that time when the resolution energy begins to wane. Thanks to intention, everything eventually came together, and I offer this to you now. And if you have read this far, I’m guessing that it may have even been worth the wait ; )
I wish you all a fulfilling journey in this new year!!
Coming Next Month…
Practical Offerings for Setting a Powerful Intention
In next month’s article, you will be taken the next step in this powerful process of intention setting, by beginning to learn the practical, on-the-ground application, the how-to of intention setting. For a quick preview, you will learn how to:
1. Focus on the Feeling Place
2. Focus on What you Want
3. Identify and Clear Limiting Beliefs (and benefit from the wisdom in all kinds of feelings)
4. Intend the Way the you Would like the Process to Unfold
5. Choose Both/And
6. Invite Guidance
7. Open to the Highest and Best
8. Celebrate Small (and Large) Victories
9. Follow What Feels Effortless
10. Find a Good Feeling Intention
If you enjoyed this article, found it helpful, or you don’t want to wait for next month’s article, the following resources may be valuable to you.
Balance Point Groups Offerings:
Manifesting Coaching Groups (now enrolling, click here to enroll)
Law of Attraction Discussion Groups/Open Manifesting Circles (coming soon, click here to receive notification)
Balance Point One-on-One Coaching:
Manifesting Coaching
Transformational Coaching
Integrated Transformation Coaching
Books (Available at Libraries, Amazon.com or through the Balance Point bookstore):
The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer
Ask & It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks
The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent by Esther & Jerry Hicks
11 Practical Offerings for Setting a Powerful Intention
It is an exciting time for conscious creators these days, what with The Secret making "manifesting" a more popular concept.
That said, as it goes through the ages, oftentimes, the version that allows something to be popular, can also sometimes be the version that glosses over the nitty gritty, down in the dirt, complexities. As I have moved among the folks newly introduced to this incredibly powerful view, I've seen how some of the challenges of practical, daily application still need to be addressed. This article is intended to supplement your journey towards fluency of the daily practical application and language of manifesting and conscious creation. And even in that, it is only a beginning.
Please remember, as with all powerful paths, though the fundamental concept is simple, the daily application and embodiment of conscious manifesting has many complex facets to it, and it takes practice to master (even though mastery itself is a continuous learning and unfolding). So, start small, build on your successes and give yourself time to learn all the exciting & empowering threads of this powerful practice.
There are many practical tools to help with this practice, more than can fit in this article. So, to begin, I offer you 11 basic & central strategies with more to come as we move along. You can click on any of the following to skip to that tool. They are:
Practical Tool #1: Focus on the Core Hunger & the Feeling Place
Oftentimes, when we set intentions or goals, we pick something specific that we want, or at least, that we think we want. For example, I might say, "I want to exercise more." In that example, exercise is really a strategy for accomplishing something else. Perhaps what I really want is to feel fit & healthy. Perhaps I want to feel more energized or feel better about my physical appearance. We jump to the conclusion that exercising is the best way to accomplish these more core hungers, and then oftentimes engage in a fighting match with our natural inclinations. Perhaps you think exercising is what will make you feel more energized, when really it is resting. So you keep dragging yourself to the gym, but only getting more and more exhausted. If you simply followed your natural inclination to rest for a whole weekend, you might find that on Monday, your body is flowing with energy and you can't hold yourself back from going to the gym. So, instead of choosing something specific to manifest, try intending the hungers beneath that strategy, like the simple intention, I want to feel fit & healthy, more energized and positive about my physical appearance. You'd be surprised all of the different ways those marvelous experiences might find their way into your life!
Summary: Set intention according to your core hungers and how it is that you want to feel in your life.
Practical Tool #2: Focus on What you Do Want
This is one of the most subtle tricksters in the art of setting intention, and the one that trips most people up, leading them to decide that manifesting doesn't work because they've "tried it". According to the Law of Attraction, what you focus on expands. The Universe doesn't speak English, it speaks Energy. Don't think of a pink elephant. No, I said dooonnn't think of a pink elephant. (odds are, you had at least one thought about a pink elephant there, come on, admit it ; ). So, when you are making your prayers, ask for what you want to experience, and that is what will expand.
Now this is, unfortunately, not as simple as it seems. Perhaps you are saying, "I am focusing on what I want! I want to stop world hunger, live pain free and prevent people from hurting me. That is what I do want." Remember, the Universe is not paying attention to your words, but your energy. You can say all you want with words, but what is your attention really going towards? What you really just said on the inside is, "I don't want people to go hungry, I don't want to experience pain & I don't want to feel hurt." So, hungry people and pain is what you are calling in.
To give us all a little slack, I will let you know that it is a lot easier to come to a conclusion of what we don't want, it is simpler, that is why we all do it so often. And, it is actually a positive, helpful thing to identify what you don't want, as long as, eventually, you put in that extra little bit of conscious energy to turn that don't want into what you do want...it is well worth the investment!
*A very important note, this does not mean that you have to question and probe your every thought. There are those that then get scared that every thought they have about something they don't want will show up on their doorstep. I believe this piece was well addressed in the movie, The Secret. There is a beautiful thing called, time, in our Universe. It is a buffer to keep your every thought from manifesting. Manifesting energy is cumulative over time, so as long as you are bringing conscious energy towards focusing on what you want, that will soon weigh out the "don't wants". Though the "don't want" thoughts take less energy to make, they also have less energy going out. A "do want" thought has more creative energy behind it than a don't want, so there is no need to worry.
Summary: When setting Intention, put your attention on what you want to experience and watch for the subtle "don't wants" that seep in through our day-to-day experiences.
Practical Tool # 3: Power of Awareness
It takes energy to figure out what you want and to manage the emotions of coming into contact with what you don't want. A tool that has made its way into many of the contemplative spiritual traditions has great power in equalizing all of the myriad energies involved in consciousness; awareness. It is the one simple tool that can help no matter what is going on. If ever you get confused or tied up in the how to's of this or that, awareness is your one-size-fits-all strategy. Awareness means simply, notice what is going on. Notice your thoughts, your feelings, your body sensations, the random images, songs, memories or inner voices that float through your consciousness. Notice what you see, hear, smell, taste. Notice what you observe happening around you, "to" you, in front of you. Notice it in your head, write it down on paper, draw it, dance it...whatever! Just, notice it. Just bringing awareness to your thoughts, without shifting, fixing, analyzing or interpreting them, brings positive manifesting power into your life. The Power of Awareness is the great equalizing force, steadily bringing you from wherever you are into alignment with your highest and best.
Summary: Awareness is the great equalizer. When you don't know what else to do, notice what is going on within and around you.
Practical Tool #4: Identify and Clear Limiting Beliefs
Okay, this is the other subtle trickster in the manifesting riddle. What do I mean by beliefs here? In this context, belief refers to the conscious, or more importantly, subconscious beliefs we have about the way the world works, how things should be done and what is possible to experience. How these beliefs are formed and how they function is a whole other article, or rather, book...but it is such an important piece of the practical application puzzle, that it definitely needs mention here. If you are struggling to make "positive thinking" work to manifest your dreams, this is probably one of the main roadblocks for you, and it is worth learning more.
Beliefs are an important part of being human and enjoying life. However, sometimes, we form a belief which is oversimplified or unhelpful to the pursuit of joy in our lives. Maybe the belief was helpful at one time, but is now obsolete. These particular beliefs which are no longer supporting our highest and best good, I refer to as "limiting beliefs". For example, you may set an intention to experience the freedom & ease of financial abundance. You are focusing on what you want and the feeling place. All is well. Then why is nothing coming? Well, perhaps you grew up hearing or even just observing, "Earning money is hard work. It is a sacrifice, but that's just the way it is." Hmmm...why would you want to have financial abundance in order to experience freedom & ease, if it comes at the cost of freedom and ease? The answer is simple, you wouldn't, and so you don't. Oftentimes, these beliefs are oversimplified explanations of life situations that may have been helpful in dealing with a past experience, but they are now holding you back. And the tricky thing is, they are often so built into our wiring, that we don't even realize they are there. However, once you uncover one, you can feel how it has been there all along, like an old familiar voice. Once you identify that the belief is in there, you are just a couple steps away from being able to reprogram your belief to read something like, "Financial abundance flows easefully when you put your energy into what you love." This new belief, or whatever one is appropriate to your situation, lets you attract what you are seeking.
The art of clearing and rewriting limiting beliefs is both a simple and complex undertaking. If the subject catches your interest, stay tuned for future articles that will go into more detail on the practical steps to achieving this potent clarity.
Summary: Take an inventory of those subtle yet powerful inner voices that tell you what is and is not possible or how things work. Write powerful beliefs that work for you.
Practical Tool #5: Find a Believable Prayer
A close follow up to clearing limiting beliefs, is finding a believable prayer. You may be praying for world peace by the end of the year, but if that doesn't seem realistic in your heart, you will likely find a block to making it happen. It has to feel real. So, when you make a prayer, check in to see if it feels possible. If it doesn't, keep taking small steps back in your prayer until you've found one that seems real to you. Maybe world peace by the end of the year feels unrealistic, but what about feeling like you have contributed to peace significantly to the people in your community by the end of the year, and letting world peace be a prayer for within your lifetime? You can also put out a prayer to be willing to believe something is possible that you don't yet believe. So, you pray for peace in your community by the end of the year as well as the ability to believe its possible to make world peace feel truly realistic within the next decade (that is something that I pray to feel possible to me!)
Summary: Find a prayer that feels believable and pray to be able to believe even more is possible.
Practical Tool #6: Intend the Way the you Would like the Process to Unfold
As you can already begin to see, manifesting what you truly want is really an ever-unfolding & deepening process. So, in addition to identifying how you would like to feel and what you hunger for, identify how you would like to feel during the process itself. I want to manifest a peaceful yet adventurous life, and I want the process of unfolding into that to feel easeful, natural and fun.
Practical Tool #7: Honor & Make Space for the Full Spectrum of Emotions
Again, this topic is probably enough to fill up a couple of books...at least! But, it is so crucial, and soooo often overlooked, it deserves at least an introduction here.
In popular teachings of manifesting, I have heard talk of what is called "positive thinking". This phrase can get very, very tricky. In this article, I can only begin to address it. There is a major difference between a positive intention and a "positive" emotion. Lets start with changing the emotional spectrum from "positive" and "negative" or "good" and "bad" emotions to "pleasant" and "unpleasant" emotions. Every single emotion has a purpose, if you know how to channel it towards more expansiveness, even guilt, depression, hatred and rage. On the flipside, every emotion can be used to create destruction or contraction, even enthusiasm, love and joy. What is important is not the content of the emotion, but how we make space to channel that emotion through our experience. A "positive" intention is one that we already referred to as focusing on what you "do" want. In this statement, the word positive is not a judgement of good versus bad, but rather a description. Focusing on what you do want is the positive, on what you don't want, is the negative. Both have their place, neither is right or wrong, they just are what they are, and accomplish what they accomplish.
As far as emotions go, in this work, we see emotions as "energy in motion". An emotion is an energy that wants to move through you by being fully felt (more on what this means in another article to come). On the other side of a fully felt emotion is usually more clarity about a limiting belief or what it is you truly want. There are many ways to allow yourself to fully feel your emotions, as opposed to projecting them or repressing them, but the first step to doing this is to honor each emotion as a sacred and critical part of the puzzle. Honor each one as best you can. They are all "positive" when channeled in a positive direction. In my personal opinion, the greatest challenge of being human is learning how to fully feel an emotion. I've seen grown men, tough men that could easily take a bullet or charge a battle line, cower at the idea of having to face an emotion. There is no experience more intense than one of a pure emotion channeling through your veins, be it extreme joy and love or extreme sadness and grief. So, if I can only begin to impress the value of learning how to honor and channel emotions as part of creating an abundant life, than I feel I've done at least a small service.
Summary: Honor that every emotion plays an important role, there are no good or bad emotions, right or wrong emotions, simply ones that are more pleasant to experience than others. They all have useful information and purpose, when channeled consciously.
Practical Tool #8: Choose Both/And
Many challenges in manifesting what you want come from an "either/or" mindset. Why aren't I attracting a romantic partner even though I keep intending to do so? If somewhere inside,whether in your deep subconscious, or right up there on the surface, there is a belief that, I can have a romantic partner, or I can have the freedom to do what I want when I want in my life, then you will keep blocking yourself from attracting a partner (assuming freedom is something you want). Would you be willing to believe that you can have both/and? If you are not willing to believe that both/and is possible, then you won't be able to attract or create it. First start by finding a both/and prayer that feels possible and then go for it. I am ready to receive a partner with whom I feel connected and feel connected to a sense of personal freedom and autonomy in my life. That feels much better!
Practical Tool #9: Open to the Highest and Best
No matter what you are praying for, a powerful tool for getting what you actually want is adding the little phrase, "...or whatever is for the highest and best good of my path." This little prayer makes room for the shocking possibility that you only think you know what you want, when in fact, you are not yet in touch with what you truly seek. This is especially appropriate if you are praying for something specific rather than the hungers identified in Practical Tool #1. For example, try offering the prayer, "I want to attract a life partner that wants to share this journey with me, or whatever is for the highest and best good for my experience of joy and fulfillment on my path at this time". It may be that, in order to really be ready to be in a the ideal partnership, you need to take some steps forward in your career to come to peace with your sense of contribution to the world. So as a result of this prayer, you end up getting career opportunities, and stay single just a bit longer. The key here is not just adding the phrase, but really being open to receiving what is truly for your highest and best.
Practical Tool #10: Find a Good Feeling Intention
Perhaps most important of all, in the art of setting intention, is to find a good feeling intention. Our feelings are the most powerful guidance between our soul and our conscious mind. Although this language of the soul can often be complex, there is one very simple way to decode the language. When you make a prayer, does it create a pleasant feeling or an unpleasant feeling in the center of your being? You might make a prayer that sounds pleasant intellectually, but leaves you with a feeling of tightness in your heart..trust the tightness, and adjust the prayer until even just the prayer itself brings you the feeling you are seeking.
Practical Tool #11: Invite and Follow Your Guidance
Many people complain that they have been manifesting for something and it is just not coming, because they said their prayer and then waited for it to walk up to the doorstep. Our prayers are answered through the little intuitive guidances that pop up throughout the day, and so, if we want to receive them, we have to be open to trusting and following that guidance.
Perhaps you put out a prayer to find a new job that can meet your needs for a flexible schedule and then, while driving home from work that day, you began to think about a restaurant on the other side of town. Your mind begins to fight with the thought, "there is not time to go to that restaurant" or "I don't usually drive home that way, who knows what the traffic will be like" or "I heard the food there was only so-so" or the classic "Why would I want to go there? What does that have to do with anything". Alas, little did you know that sitting at that restaurant right at this moment was an old college buddy of yours that you haven't seen for years. Turns out he just started working for a new start-up company that happens to be doing something in which you have often dreamed of getting involved. He has been asked to keep his eye out for new recruits for a great high-salaried position with a totally flexible schedule! But, if you don't follow that guidance, or even just begin by trusting that guidance is what it is, you will never run into that old buddy, and you'll be driving that same old route back to work in the morning. Prayers are answered in magical and often random, unexpected ways. You must cultivate your ability to follow the guidance within, begin to trust and expect the unexpected, and you will complete the circle from setting intention to creating a reality!
So, between these 11 Practical steps, you may be able to find a boost in your practice of living a consciously created life. Granted, even these practical tools have practical tools for applying each of them, and it is very much a practice to apply these things in real, on the ground, day-to-day situations. As long as you give yourself room to breath and to take baby-steps forward, you will see progress. If you want support and guidance applying these tools and learning more, give the Balance Point a call to find out about the many different services for augmenting your practice. Support is definitely practical tool #12, whether it is professional support or that of friends, family or helpful articles and books, we all need the support of others in our path. The more support we let in, the more we have to offer to ourselves and others.
I wish you all many blessings on your path to create what you want!
Coming next month, the most potent and viscerally transformative practical tool of them all, not to be used by the meek of heart, for it is guaranteed to bring powerful, sometimes terrifying shifts towards joy, authenticity, balance and harmony, "Honor your Resistance; Do what comes Naturally; Work Easy". Watch out, its all a lot easier than it appears.
back to top
Spring Cleaning…for the Soul
Spring time is known to many as a powerful time for cleansing, that is to say, clearing away old debris from past events that, when released, make room for the new beginnings that spring brings. "Spring cleaning", as it is oft referred, is usually a reference to the cleaning out of the home. For others, this spring cleaning time has also marked the occasion for a physical cleanse to purify the body. Both a cleansing of the house as well as of the body, are both powerful rituals that support another type of cleansing. I offer to you, the idea of a spring cleaning for the soul.
Cleaning the home and cleaning the body alike can be very cathartic experiences to the emotions, the psyche, the soul. Sometimes, it helps to address the soul cleansing directly, through other means. Just as there is accumulated debris after any fruitful activity, after a good meal, there are crumbs and plates to clean, after a long nap, a bit of stretching and eye rubbing needs to be tended too, so it is with the psyche and the soul as it goes through the experience of day-to-day living. So often, as we go through experiences, some subtle, some not so subtle, we do not have the time, energy, skill or awareness to see what left over questions, thoughts and feelings have yet to be processed. Whether it is a painful or even traumatizing experience, a pleasant, celebratory one, or a simple daily transition, there can be resulting energies, if left unprocessed, that can begin to block the flow of energy in your life. And just as a pile can sit in a basement, or at the back of the drawer in your desk, or worst of all, somewhere in the fridge emitting its telltale odor to try and guide you to its source, so too can unprocessed experiences sit within and clog up the works. Each “pile” in the soul requires different types and levels of urgency to be addressed, but even to begin realizing that this is a form of hygiene that is just as important as an other, is an important first step. The “odor” of an unprocessed experience can show up in many ways in your life, from repeated and unsatisfying life patterns or blocks to chronically challenging emotions or even physical maladies.
While we live in a culture that is more than happy to help you spring clean your home, and more and more accommodating to those prone to physical cleanses of the body, there are very few places where we can look to societal support or guidance for a good soul cleansing. Even in some of the places where we can find it, such as therapy, we often relate to it as something “wrong”, oil for a squeaky wheel, rather than simply good spiritual hygiene needed by everyone, and honored and shared between as all.
In our society, crying, which can be a hallmark of a good solid soul cleansing, is often seen as a weakness or a flag that something is wrong and needs to be fixed, or at the very least, an uncomfortable disturbance. While this generalization is by no means true across the board, it is common enough to make it worth addressing. Even if one does find tears to cry, many only feel safe doing so in our most private spaces, which, in many ways, can be counterproductive to the purpose of crying as a cleansing for the soul. Oftentimes, what we need is to be witnessed and cared for in our cleansing in order to really clear completely. In a Mayan Village in Guatemala (see newsletter sidebar for a recommended cd for more info on this village and its traditions) the tradition is such that, when a man or woman walks down the street wailing and crying in agony over whatever the subject may be, he or she is not escorted to a mental ward, nor given pills to quiet them, nor arrested for disturbing the peace, nor even consoled or asked “what’s wrong?”. Rather, the villagers turn to each other and say, “let’s go listen”. While the person expresses their grief, the village listens, until the grief has poured its way out, leaving the originating vessel a clean home in which to go forth living. In another village, this one in Burkina Faso in Africa, the people routinely have huge Grief Rituals where the village comes together to grieve the passing of life’s many longings and loves in a potently organized and beautiful ceremony. I had the supreme privelege to participate in two of these ceremonies led at a conference center in Massachusetts by Sobonfu Some, a native of the Dagara People to whom the tradition belongs. In both of these cases, what was once deemed an unpleasant, lonely and sometimes traumatizing place to be, that is to say, grief, becomes an opportunity to share in the devastating beauty and potency of the human experience, and so becomes a celebration of life, in its full spectrum of colors. In both, the full spectrum and its expression is more a matter of spiritual and emotional hygiene, rather than the fixing of a problem.
A major goal of my work as a Life Coach and Healer, is to aide people in remembering how to feel and to grieve fully and authentically; to relearn how to clean the dishes of the soul with just as much casual consistency and attentiveness as you would the ones in your sink (though I’ve found the more the dishes of the soul stay dirty, the more challenging it is to bring yourself to clean the ones in your sink, as within, so without).
A couple years ago when I was going through a whole life phase that was all about soul cleansing, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon the work of both Martine Prechtel (see sidebar), and Sobonfu Some. I found Sobonfu’s Grief Rituals just when I needed them. I was going through a process of deep forgiveness for things that I didn’t even realize, until then, that I needed to let go of. I grieved, not a lost person in the physical sense, but I grieved childhood expectations, so subtle within me, that I did not even realize that it had been lodged in my psyche and soul, holding me back from forgiving, and thusly, fully living my life, free and empowered. I attended two grief rituals within the space of three months and I grieved from the very core of my being. I found a place of deep acceptance for forgiveness for the world, finally seeing the possibility of healing and wholeness, right here, in this world, with all its challenges. The experience was similar to when you clean your kitchen, but this time, you get in all of those little nooks, like the place between the sink and the wall, or those corners of the stove or cabinets where gunk accumulates. I scrubbed my soul squeaky clean, and I came out on the other side to a life of freedom, synchronicity, empowerment and abundance. I can not even begin to truly express the profound shift that has come in my life from this simple act of soul cleansing. And I continue to clean myself out with daily, weekly, monthly and yearly rituals, all in various degrees of structure, depending on the need.
Now, because you and I live in this society that we do, when you first begin to cleanse your soul, you might realize, whoa, there’s more in this basement than I thought there would be. So, go easy on yourself, take your time, and believe it or not, you can even have fun with it, especially if you find people to help, support, guide and with whom to share the experience. It may seem like a chore, but grieving in ritual, with intention and with a village is more of a pleasant celebration than you might at first think. I invite you to join me in this magnificent time of spring cleaning. Whether it is your house, your body, your soul or all three at once, may we all clean the channels that our souls come alive again, and again, and again!
If you are interested in Soul Cleansing, I recommend the following resources:
Grief & Praise, by Martine Prechtel (available at the Balance Point bookstore)
Grief Ritual with Sobonfu Some, upcoming at Rowe Conference Center, April 18-20, www.sobonfu.com
Area Sweatlodges (a native American ceremony for purifying mind, body and spirit), contact Julie for information on various area sweatlodges
Individual or Group Work with Julie at the Balance Point and many other professionals focused on personal & communal growth, transformation & renewal. back to top Making Space: Offering you Room to Bloom
back to top
Well, I must say that our weekly talking stick circles are continuing to be proof to me, not only that listening, introspection, journeying and sharing are my ultimate joys in life, but that the power of holding such space for each other, is truly potent and incredible.
It continuously amazes me to see the revelations that come just from the open space for sharing, and how much wisdom we each gain from listening to each others ponderings. And furthermore, the bonds that are forming from sharing in such an authentic space are quicker and more genuine than some I've experienced through years of casual relating!
Talking Stick Circle exemplifies one of the fundamental philosophies that I carry in my work, my practice; the idea of "making space" and its close relation, "holding space". Though I utilize many different tools in supporting people to come into alignment with themselves, the idea of "making" and "holding space" is what lies at the core of all of them. What is "Space"?
Space is, essentially, the tangible expression of accepting things for what they are, allowing life room to breath. It is based on the philosophy that there is inherent wisdom and wholeness innate to all life, and all things in it, and all that wisdom or energy needs is room to bloom and flow. Now, of course, this is the over-simplified general philosophy, but, if you are willing to go on faith for a bit, I will introduce you a bit deeper to the basic concept. If you do decide to go down the path of allowing space for what is...you are in for a wild and beautiful ride indeed!
"Making Space"
This terminology of "space" can take virtually any form. It can be expressed as taking time to simply listen to oneself, or another, or as the organization of a practical system that acknowledges how energies naturally flow, or as taking an action that is an acknowledgement of guidance coming from within. As long as, at its essence, it is about acceptance, then it is "making space". In some sense, "making space" and ingenuity, creativity and innovation are very similar. Modern entrepreneurs can be some of the most gifted people at this art, as they see a need in society, and attempt to "make space" for that need by inventing a service or product. That said, many new services and products may "make space" only for one isolated need, while cramping many other unidentified ones, but it still exemplifies on some level, one way of "making space".
"Holding Space"
"Holding space" is slightly different than "making space", although they are closely related. To hold space is very specifically an act of presence for whatever is true, without becoming involved in it, in any way. "Making Space" does imply an active involvement. The most common example of holding space is, if someone needs to vent, you listen. You listen without trying to fix, analyze, process or interact in any other way. You are not taking anything they say personally, or even necessarily seeking to understand them as they express. You are not actively relating to what they are sharing (though often, when holding space you may end up relating to something and feeling a shift within yourself, but that is not what it is about)...you are simply holding the space for expression to happen. It is like holding out your arms like a cup and just inviting the person sharing to pour out whatever is inside, just to get it out. You are providing the powerful energy of bearing witness to the journey of another.
The act of "holding space" for yourself or another person is a truly powerful act indeed. So often, we feel that, before we express ourselves, we need to understand ourselves perfectly, or be able to express ourselves clearly and intelligently. Words are powerful tools, and best to be used wisely, yet we have so few forums for finding the right ones. So often, the first draft is the only one we get out when it comes to expressing oneself verbally. Thusly, so often we feel that once we have expressed something, we are now bound to be or do as we said, even though what we said may not have been a clear or accurate expression of our truest depth, which we probably did not have room or time to truly explore. Oh well, too late, you said what you said (thus is born all of the "he said", "she said" bickerings of all time!). We wouldn't expect a song writer to necessarily sit down and write a new song and play it perfectly the first time while they were writing it, although I'm sure it does happen, as it does with communication as well. Usually, we expect there to be a creative process of stumbling through the energy to find the flow. And yet, with ourselves, with each other, we so often expect that when we express ourselves, every time, we must know and understand clearly what we are saying, feeling and thinking to the very core, right away. We then hold ourselves and each other accountable and little by little people find themselves feeling trapped by their own words or by the unclear perceptions of the words of others. Holding space allows for that messy, creative, stumbling in the process of self-reflection, transformation and discovery, so that you have room to find your words, to find yourself and to express yourself intentfully and clearly in your life and relationships.
When someone is “holding space” for me, sometimes I say things I only partially mean, or don’t mean at all, or things that run through my mind that, if I did not have a safe space to explore them, I would never see the real truth, feeling or insight that lay just behind that thought. And always, after someone “holds space” for me, if they have really done it purely, without interacting with me on any level (that means, not even the uh-huh sound that people often use to indicate they are listening…), I almost always feel lighter, more clear and more present and accepting of whatever is going on. If I felt that I had to say only what I meant, I might not have found what I really meant. A Language of Space
One of the most important reasons to share this concept and give it a word, is that it creates a language, that then becomes a tool in relationship. Utilizing the language of space in actual day to day life relationships is worth a whole article in itself. For now, it is helpful even just to recognize it as a word, and start to ask yourself, what kind of "space" do I need right now to give what is inside of me room to bloom? Maybe you need to be heard, to be understood, to rest, to take action, to explore and so forth?
"Space" as a Transformational Tool
The idea behind "space" as a transformational tool is simple. In fact,it is one of my favorite life paradoxes; the more we attempt to change or fix something, the more it stays they way it is, and, conversely, the more we allow things to be what they are, the more they begin to change and transform on their own!
Oh, I definitely run into doubters on this one! As a matter of fact, this simple concept, if one really gets it, is a complete life paradigm shift, and it is my belief that, when we can all truly understand what it means and how it works, we will live in a world of ever-transforming harmony, beauty and flow. In some ways, it is counterintuitive, but once you really understand the depths of what it means to "make space", you will see how very profound indeed it can be. The idea behind "making space" is that everything, and I mean everything, that happens in life is truth and inner guidance attempting to express itself, even if indirectly. So, even sickness or challenges have fundamental truths that are trying to be expressed. The key is in learning how to listen and hear those truths. That, indeed is where the true art, science and ongoing practice of "making space" begins. As I find myself so often saying, that particular art and science is enough to fill up many books, let alone one little article, and is what I spend months or years working with people and with myself to explore and practice. However, if you can master the simple intention to accept things as they are, and eventually learn how to truly "make space", the rest will unfold in it’s own magical way, and what a beautiful journey it becomes! If you are interested in "holding space" or having space "held" for you, come join us for talking stick circle on Friday nights at 7pm at the Balance Point, or inquire to Julie about talkingstick@thebalancepoint.org to find out how to take advantage of our cyber talking stick. Both services are by donation only. As a matter of fact, all Balance Point services, from individual sessions to coaching groups to open circles will all offer you a taste of "space" and how to more deeply understand and apply this powerful concept. I have even been told, just walking into the Balance Point physical space creates the feeling of relief that a little extra room to bloom allows. back to top
The Invisible Art of Making Space for Change
back to top
One could say that life is the experience of constant transition. That goes along with the old adage that the only thing that is constant is change. Change happens at many different levels, and I refer to “transition” as the change that is a noticeable passing from one stable state or place to another.
This topic felt apropos to me at this time, as with the change of seasons, children and teachers have just started up school (a major yearly transition for many), election day is around the corner, and we as a country are preparing for a major transition, and globally, there are major transitions happening all around us, spiritually, politically, culturally and ecologically. Not to mention, this summer has begun a year for me personally, that includes some of the biggest transitions of my life to date (during which I have found myself needing to apply, to the best of my ability, everything below). So, inspired by that context, I offer to you a few thoughts to chew on should they be helpful to you in dealing with the transitions in your life. As always, I invite you to take what resonates and leave the rest. It is only true if it works for you.
At the scale of day-to-day life, some examples of major transitions would be marriage, divorce, a new job, moving, having a child, the death of a loved one and so forth. These are all big life transitions. More mild, but also important transitions would include the change of seasons, rearranging the furniture, traveling, the natural movement from one activity in the day to the next, from morning to midday to afternoon to evening to night. I could keep specifying to more and more minute shifts that we all go through, or expanding to the bigger and bigger changes of life. The point is, change happens.
The intention of this article is to shed some light on the practicals of how to transition gracefully and easefully, since transition, large and small is such a part of living. There is one major aspect of transition that I have observed as something that trips many people into the tension and stress so often associated with major transitions. Quite simply, the big secret to a smooth transition is that:
Transition itself, the simple experience of change, requires its own time, space & energy.
What do I mean by that? Well, I have observed many people, during times of change simply make time and energy for the extra to-do’s that come along with whatever the particular transition might be. If you are moving, you might schedule in time for the movers to come pick up the boxes, or to call the post-office for a change of address form, and to pack or clean. With the remaining time and energy, you might then try to do everything else just as much as before, at the same level of expectation…and then wonder why you are feeling ill, or tired or depressed, or eating more than usual or exercising less, or being snappy to others, or cruel to yourself. The reason is, quite simply, you did not give yourself time and space just to be in the energy of the transition.
The trick is, whether or not you give yourself conscious space and permission to go through the full spectrum of energies that are part of transition, you will go through them anyway…they will force themselves into your experience. If you make space for them, or allow them when they show up, the experience will likely be pleasant. If you don’t, it will likely be unpleasant. Plain and simple.
Each of these energies will need to exist in proportion to the size of the transition. For a small transition from one part of the day to another, they may all happen within the space of half an hour. For a large life transition that lasts five years, each energy may pan out over months or years, so I suggest keeping the proportions in mind as you take them in. The following is a list of energies that all need space during every transition:
• Reflection and Letting Go: When a shift happens, there is a natural tendency and need to reflect on what you are leaving behind. What worked, what didn’t. What you appreciated, what you are ready to let go of. Saying goodbye and honoring the experience in whatever way feels appropriate to you. This is also the opportune time for cleansing, whether it is the physical cleansing of the body, or clearing out your house or office of those things that are no longer needed for your current balance, and of course, with all of those go the emotional cleansing and grieving that is part of saying goodbye, even when you know it is the right time to make the change. All of this process of reflection and letting go doesn’t need to happen in any particular way. It could be subtle or overt and ceremonial. Whatever is appropriate to the transition is all you need to allow space for.
• Intention Setting and Visioning: Putting your energy and thoughts towards what you want to create going forward, what your vision is, your hopes, dreams, ideas, needs, observations. Now that you have reflected and released, the process of imagining what is to come will naturally rise up.
• Playing, Gathering Information, Exploring, Familiarizing, Reorganizing: As you step into something new, you will need time to get to know how the new thing, way, person or experience works. Try things out, taste, touch, feel, smell. This is your time to play around, get a little messy, try something, and let it not work quite perfectly, but keep playing around until you find your alignment with the new ways. Essentially, you are reorganizing the way you will now do things according to your new circumstances. You might not recognize the need to do this and try to keep doing things as you have done before. You might not realize the nuanced shifts that are needed. This process takes time and you will not be able to reach your full levels of productivity until your reorganization process is really complete. Note, this reorganization happens mentally, emotionally, physically and in all of the external parts of your life, like your space, your time management, your relationships, finances etc…
• Doing: This, of course, is the one that we all make the time for. It is the most concrete, tangible and socially acceptable. Again, what needs to get done? Errands, phone calls, arrangements, “work”, etc…
• Wandering: Similar to playing, and in some ways, the balancing energy to the “doing” this wandering energy has not much of a point other than enjoyment. It’s also a time to make connections and get creative. It’s slow, and oftentimes restful, the experience of being and connecting with others. Wandering is when you discover the hidden opportunities and make the nuanced adjustments that make things so solid and smooth when the transition is complete (as complete as anything can ever be). Essentially, this is the time of absorbing the change deeply. This wandering energy can be particularly difficult in our culture, because we might see it as having no “point”. You are doing nothing, accomplishing nothing. Believe it or not, you are doing something and accomplishing something very crucial. Wandering is important.
• Celebration & Sharing: With any shift, there is a time to share the changes and celebrate them with others, to enjoy the fruits of what is new. While wandering is about enjoyment, the celebration energy is about joy! Sharing and appreciation are the experience of fruition of all of the other energies.
• Connecting to Yourself: Through all of this shift, you will learn more about who you are, what you are about, what you need, how you function in this new place, time, experience and in life in general.
• Perspective & Understanding: All of this crystallizes into a broadened perspective of yourself, your life and life in general. Perhaps even a connection to something bigger.
Now, in saying all of these things, I do not mean that you have to plan for these energies step by step and go through them like a check list (checklists are pretty much for the “doing” energy only anyway ; ). What I am suggesting is, adjust the expectations of your day-to-day life accomplishments to leave room for all of these things to naturally happen in their own time and in their own way.
I am very much about the practical application of concepts…so, how exactly can one adjust those expectations or make space for these natural elements of the change process? The following are some suggestions:
• Recognize that you are in a Transition: First and foremost, acknowledge that transition is happening. Anytime something that you have been engaging in stops, or changes the way it operates, that is transition. Anytime something that has been present and you could rely upon it, and it is no longer there anymore, that is a transition. Anytime you change the way you relate to something, be it emotionally, mentally or logistically, transition is happening. Of course, there are transitions happening constantly, and at all different scales, so you will need to have perspective regarding the scope. Almost more than anything, I observe people (and myself) tripping up when they simply don't acknoweldge that something is changing that will require adjustment. Once you acknowledge that transition is happening, the rest gets much easier.
• Fewer Commitments: Once you have acknowledged that you are in transition, you can acknoweldge that, because transition itself takes time and energy, you will have less time and energy to give than you otherwise would. Make fewer promises of energy to others during the transition, fewer commitments and obligations of your time, energy, mental space etc…than you usually would. How much a person puts out to others varies, of course, from person to person, so what might be less for one person would be more to another. It’s not about the amount that you are giving or not, but that you are making space within your personal energy balance for the experience of transition.
For those commitments you decide to make or keep, make them with enough flexibility so that you can pull out if you need to without people relying too much on you, according to what you have energy for and what your priorities really are. The art of making flexible agreements is a complex one, so if this feels too new or difficult for you, you may want to simply stick to just making fewer commitments.
• Reduce your Productivity Expectations and Be Kind to Yourself!: Expect productivity in your usual life routines to “possibly” go down. Everyone works differently and every transition is different, but if you can simply hold open the willingness and possibly even plan as an expectation that you will be less productive in your usual day to day stuff until your transition has completed and restabilized, then you will have a lot more ease in your shift. You will save a lot of time and energy that might be used trying to force yourself to do the laundry when you just don’t have the energy, or beating up on yourself because you haven’t done the laundry in two weeks. That energy could otherwise be used to adjust fully and completely into the change. Maybe you are used to throwing the best Christmas party on the block, but since you just got a new job, your going to honor throwing just a really good Christmas party, rather than the best one around. And you might misjudge how much energy the transition is taking from you, and think that you can do something that you find yourself not able to do. If you can, forgive yourself, and just chalk it up to the messiness of transition, you might find some relief (exhibit a: it has been five months since I have sent out a newsletter or written an article…alas, unfortunate though it might be, it is a definite price worth paying for the experience of peace and health I’ve had during these intense personal transitions. Furthermore, it has been good information for the future for me regarding how big these transitions have been, how much energy I have and how much energy my personal commitment to writing articles and newsletters requires of me).
• Allow for the Emotions: Emotions are a crucial part of the reorganization process, they are guiding you in how to adjust to your new circumstance. If you can let them be part of the stage of exploring, playing, familiarizing and give yourself permission to feel them, then you will be able to find creative new ways to adjust to your new state. Emotions could include any emotion, be it sadness, grief, anger, frustration, annoyance, guilt, joy, happiness, celebration, excitement etc…
• Communicate Where you are At: Let the other people in your life know that you are going through a transition and may be less available to them than usual. In addition, you may want to say that you may be calling on them a bit more than usual, and find out if they have that to give. Keep in mind, and let them know, that the shift is simply part of the transition, and is likely temporary (depending on the scope of your transition). Some people will support and be receptive to this, some people won’t. It is up to you to decide whether it is important that the people around you understand what is going on for you. If you can, see if you can offer this understanding to others as they go through transitions, giving them the space to experience all of the above mentioned energies, finding other places to get your needs met while they transition. I recognize, this is all easier said than done, but if you can begin to become aware of these things, then you will find it more easeful not to take things personally if someone going through transition has less time or energy for you.
• Ask for Help: Yes, I said the "h" word. In a culture of "do-it-yourself"ers and rugged individualists, it can sometimes feel like a sign of weakness to need "help". Maybe a better word is support. Part of the fun of transitions is that it can show us how much we really need each other. Not everyone will be able to give the help or support you need, but for those who have it to give, you are giving them an opportunity to feel the joy of helping another. My father always told me that the greatest gift you can give another is to allow them to give a gift to you. As a child, I thought, wow, that's a great deal for me! Now I realize how true it is, as some of the greatest joy I've had is when someone allowed me to contribute to their joy. An important note, just because you are in need of help or support, doesn't mean everyone will be able to provide it, but if you recognize that you need it and stay open, it will come to you from wherever it is available. • Acknowledge the Scope of your Transition: There are big huge transitions and smaller ones. They all include the same energies, but some have more impact than others based on their scope. A transition needs to be given enough space according to the amount of things in your life that are impacted. Recognize how many aspects of your life that the transition will affect, and give space for each of those aspects to take their appropriate time going through each of these stages. What things are becoming instable because of the transitions, and what do they need in order to restabilize? If you can, you can even give yourself restabilizing benchmarks to reach for and notice. Some transitions take minutes, some days, weeks, months, years, lifetimes. If you can get an accurate read on how big the transition, you can give yourself a realistic timeline for going through it.
All of the aforementioned offerings are part of my central mantra.
It takes time to make things happen quickly.
When reading all of this, you might start to say, my goodness, that's a lot to make space for, how will I ever get to the other side? The funny thing is, the more space you allow these things to slowly and gently happen in their own time, the quicker things move in the big picture. When you are productive, it will be sharp, quick and well done the first time around, you won't waste time on mistakes, sickness, angst, or miss out on the important and potent pieces of internal guidance and inspiration that rise up when you give them space to do so. When you really give yourself (and others) the time and space to go through the nuances of change, and more specifically, life transitions, even though, during the shift, it might look like or feel like things are going slower, you will make the shift completely and come out on the other side fully adjusted.
All of these words said, at the end of the day, life is so much more complex than any words can offer. I recognize that it is all easier said than done, but starting with awareness and a bit of intention will begin the process of integration all on its own. Sometimes words make something complex sound so simple and easy, but then when it comes to living it, it still feels hard, so above all, whether or not you find any of this useful, or feel able to apply any of it, know that I am sending you support as you go through the transitions in your life, doing the best that you possibly can. And, perhaps there is one more crucial practical suggestion for smooth changes: • Enjoy the Transition: Once you allow for all the energies of transition, it is time to recognize that the old joke might not be totally accurate or complete. Why did the chicken cross the road? Not just to get to the other side, but because the walk across the road was as much of the adventure as what lies waiting on the other side. If you can learn to enjoy and give space to the process of change and all the energies that are part of it, you might find that, not only is change not so scary, it can be smooth, easeful and an exhilirating part of living!
Becoming the Authority in your Life
Learning to Write your own Life Story
back to top
When I was about 10 or 11 years old, I remember being at summer camp and having an experience that set the stage, in many ways, for how I now approach life. I recall running towards our program director in absolute desperation and tears. I was filled with pity for myself and so excited to get the redemption of seeing my cruel and mocking oppressors punished. I perceived my hurt feelings as the victim of some cruel words and actions by my fellow campers. I told the story to my program director, absolutely sure that he too would see the meanness of what was being done to me and what was responsible for the tears streaming down my face. “He hurt my feelings! He made me feel bad!” I righteously and piteously asserted. The program director (who also happened to be my second cousin, which somehow made it feel a bit closer to home), to my shock and absolute abhorrence said to me, “Julie, nobody can make you feel anything. How you feel as a result of what he said is your choice.” I was shocked, mystified and enraged. Finding no sympathy for my tender place, I stomped away in stubborn protest, sure that, in that moment, I had been doubly wronged.
Somehow, however, the idea sat with me and percolated, and eventually…I got it. Even more, I eventually realized that, though at first this idea seemed threatening, I soon saw the freedom inherent in its assertions. I thus started the practice (and I stress the word “practice”) of taking responsibility for my life at a nice early age. I have spent years since studying and refining my ability to fully be that authority in as many areas and ways as possible. What a gift, albeit an initially sour and pungent one, that my program director/ cousin gave to me that day.
Responsibility versus Control
I realize in telling this story, there is one important distinction to make, in order to avoid misinterpretation of what I believe my program director was saying to me and what I am offering to you here. There is a difference between being responsible for how you feel and controlling your feelings. The point here is not to repress your feelings or tell yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t feel the way you do, or even to try and change the way you feel. Rather, the idea is about how you choose to handle and respond to your feelings, what conclusions you decide to draw about the situation and about yourself, and what actions you choose to take in response to your experience. Though the feelings that initially rise up in life are what they are, by how you choose to respond to them with your thoughts and actions, new feelings are generated. This is where the choice lives. The art of being present with emotions and learning how to gather information from your emotions to set powerful intentions and take powerful actions is a study in itself worthy of its own article. For now, we will focus primarily on the idea of the fundamental choice to take responsibility for your experience. In that, it is important to look at the word “responsibility” itself. It is the ability to respond. The ability to respond begins with the choice to do so.
What does "authority" mean?
So, then, what does it mean to be an “authority”. We tend to see authority as that which tells you what to do and how to be. The authority is who you answer to. It can be a person, an institution or a culture. The word authority can, at first feel a bit harsh, especially depending on what your personal connotations are with the experience of authority in your life. If you look at the word “authority”, however, the root of the word is a much softer and perhaps more empowering word, “author”. I would like to propose that the “authority” is whoever you give the power to write the stories that you choose to believe about who you are, how to be and what is possible in your life.
Even if you follow direction or orders from someone else, if you do so because you have written the story of your life and empowered another person to play the role and take the responsibility of leadership, then even in following direction, you are still the authority. In this sense, when you follow the guidance or direction of another, it is not blindly, but with a consciousness that your actions and choices are in resonance with your own truth.
Becoming the authority in your life has powerful benefits, but as so many choices in life do, it also has its tradeoffs. I am writing this article because I believe the benefits far outweigh the costs in the long run, and if you can find a way to deal with the challenges inherent in this transformation, my experience is that it is well worth the investment.
What are the benefits?
The benefits of becoming the authority in your life are both the knowledge and the ability to do and be absolutely whatever and whoever you want to be in your life, to feel free and empowered, to not only believe, but to know that anything is possible and to feel able to connect to joy no matter what other emotions may pass through you. It is also the freedom to let others be who they are and do what they do without feeling the need to change or control them and without feeling victimized by their actions and feelings. It is the place from which you can find a connection to the well of unconditional love for yourself and others while also being able to manage the practical conditionalities of every day life.
What are the costs?
Simple. No more emotional free rides. No more he said, she said, his fault, her fault, my fault. No more I couldn’t, I can’t, I shouldn’t, I have to’s. There is nothing wrong with any of these ways of dealing with life. As a matter of fact they work quite effectively at minimizing the amount of energy and awareness one has to put into their day. It takes a good deal of energy to take responsibility for your life and be the authority. It puts you face to face with your own emotions, gifts and potential, and that is not always easy. Becoming the authority in your life doesn’t mean you can no longer say these things or even feel these things, but really to always stay connected to the fundamental knowledge that, when you are ready, you can step up to the plate and take responsibility for your experience.
No doubt, reading this article will either excite you, or shock, mystify and enrage you just as it did me those many years ago. Perhaps all at once. Either way I support you in choosing to use the information however you see fit. Take it in, or spit it out, take what resonates and recycle the rest. There is no right or wrong in this way of being, it is simply one way of being that has its opportunities and challenges.
Indeed, many who have walked this path have had an experience similar to that of neo from the matrix. Once you take the red pill, its hard to go back, though sometimes you might wish you could. Ultimately, you’ll be glad you made the choice. I know I am.
back to top
I Think You're Beautiful
Julie's Response to the Presidential Inauguration Essay Contest 2009
back to top
I wrote the following essay rather spontaneously as a rush of feeling the day after the election. Upon finding out about the essay contest, I realized that it was already my answer to the question, “What does this inauguration mean to me?”
November 5th, 2008
I woke up this morning, November 5, 2008 and I felt different.
Last night was to me, and to many throughout the world, an historic moment.
If you’ll bear with me, in order to tell this story, I want to hopscotch between the past, the present and the future, between the globe, the nation and my little neighborhood. Above all, the feeling that it is all deeply inter-connected, permeates more than just my story, it permeates my heart.
Yesterday and many days before it, I had woken up feeling the same old, stale feeling. I graduated college in 2001 at the time that new wars were started and elections had been messy and questionable. During this time, I began to feel that the symbols of my youth which had long meant something to me, the American flag, the idea of democracy and liberty and freedom, started to turn sour and leave a bitter taste in my mouth. These very same symbols were being used as reasons to do things that didn’t make me feel inspired or connected. Furthermore, it became clear to me that my perspectives were a nuisance at best, and downright “un-American” at worst. I didn’t feel heard and I didn’t even feel like my country wanted me as part of the process, so I checked out. I guess I became one of the disenchanted of America.
Not only was I disenchanted, I began to feel mistrustful of what I was being told. I felt there were ulterior motives and messy intentions that muddied up what these ideals and symbols of America had originally meant to me.
I intentfully stopped listening to the news, because I felt that it was solely focusing on the weaker expressions of the human heart; fear, gossip, manipulation and reactivity without giving due time to those qualities that nourished me most; optimism, inquiry, perspective, inspiration, creativity and collaboration.
I decided to just focus on living my own life according to these principles, and in a way, I fell into a slumber, and almost forgot that I was part of America at all.
But this morning, I woke up and searched my computer, that modern portal into the global voice, and I watched people cheering and celebrating and weeping and dancing all across the country, all across the world. And then, I listened to the words of our new leader, and, once again, I felt like I was part of something. I feel, now, like I am on a team and we are here to work together. Sure, there are a lot of difficult, practical questions that we will face, and we most certainly do not, and will not always agree, but I sense that now there is room to listen and, to me, that is the first step. I feel like now, there is a chance to address it all from the best qualities of ourselves, the ones of which we feel most proud when we find a way to embody.
This morning, I woke up, and I did feel heard. Better yet, I felt like everyone was and would be, even the ones who feel and felt differently. Whether you feel cynical, scared, angry, hateful, excited, hopeful, happy or apathetic, whether you agree or disagree, I have a feeling that you might get a chance to be heard and included in the process. This inspires me. This is a team that I want to be on.
With all of this brewing within me, as I walked out of my house this morning, I somehow felt closer to the people around me. I felt there was a lightness to everything, a lightness that matched the sun colored leaves that fell gracefully around my feet. It seems there is a weight lifted off of everyone’s shoulders, and that somehow, we might be able to stand a little closer together now.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand that it’s the morning after a months-long romantic courtship, and a climactic celebration last night that can leave one in a dreamy sort of place. I know the honeymoon will turn into real, practical life, but, still, I feel inspired, light and alive going into it all, and that makes me want to participate in the nitty-gritty questions to come.
As I walked with these feelings to the grocery store a couple steps from my home, I carried this same air of lightness, hope and belief. I held, in my heart, an invitation to the people around me that said, “I want to hear you. We are in this together.”
As I made my way home, I saw and reciprocated a smile from a rather gruff looking thirty-something man working on some construction in the neighborhood. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he had something to say that he wouldn’t usually say. I felt surrounded by the events of the previous 24 hours in this country and in the world, and somehow felt like they were present in this most mundane neighborly moment. Somewhere inside of me, without words, or even any overt stare, I said to him, “It’s okay, you can say it. We live in a time now where it is safe to say what you need to say”. Just as I was passing the standard range of engagement, he seized the last remaining possibility of the moment and said, “Excuse me,” to invite my direct attention.
Before I continue, I want to share that, as a 29 year old woman, I carry the most normal sort of countenance. In that, I mean that my appearance can hold moments of beauty as well as moments of plainness or downright homeliness, depending on how the stars align or the lighting in the room. While my looks have never caused any traffic accidents, I do carry the womanly qualities that, as I have learned through life, whether wearing a baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants, or a skin-tight dress, seem to draw men’s attention when walking down the street. And in carrying such female attributes, I have experienced all sorts of ways of being notified of my assets. Some of them subtle, some not-so-subtle, some funny, endearing, creative and some downright disgusting, disturbing and even terrifying. I am lucky to have had a secure life that makes me able to take it all in with humor and good stride and the ability to simply be honored by the fundamental intention. I say all of this to make clear, I am not naïve to the motivations that often fuel the flame of masculine complimentary attention.
As I walked by this man, however, I knew I was going to experience something different. Though he could have offered any one of those other calls or comments I had experienced in the past, I saw in his eyes the same spirit that I felt when I woke up this morning. In some way, I felt the whole moment was inspired by the sense of cleanness of intent and hope that was carrying our nation into a new way of being with ourselves and in the world. In the kindest, most gentlemanly and sincere way, without any aggressiveness or pushiness, he said graciously, clearly and intenfully, “I’d like to pay you a compliment.” Sensing his sincerity, I said, “Oh, okay.” I stopped and listened receptively.
“I just want to tell you, I think you’re beautiful.”
“Thank you.” I said. “And thank you for taking the time to tell me.”
And that was that. Compliment given, compliment received. Authenticity spoken, authenticity heard. A short, sweet and genuine connection. Enough said, and I continued my walk home.
This man’s sincere sentiments summed up the whole of how I feel today and how I feel going forward in this world and in this country. I came home and felt immediately, that I had to follow his courageous lead, and seize the moment to say what I most want to say before the sentiments sink back down into the coziest corner of my heart.
America, Humans, Life, the World, I’d like to pay you a compliment.
With all the troubles and all of the differences and all of the pain and sorrow and grief and struggle; Even with all of the wars, the corruption, the violence, the fear, the disagreement, the confusion and the battles;
With all of it, I just want to tell you, I think you’re beautiful.
back to top
|